When You Yourself Fails.

It's hard for me to accept failure. That is the nature of me. I am the kind of person that will NOT take losing lightly. Especially when the thing that I lost at is the kind of thing that I used to win it. It will affect me really really badly. I know that we have to accept what ever that is given to us. But, this one I can't let it go. Even after 3 days, I can't still let it go away. Many of my friends questioned me why can't I let it go and I, honestly don't have the answers for that. It is within me. Easy way to say, IT IS INDESCRIBABLE. I know some of you might not understand my situation and some might say that I took this too seriously. Well, you are right. I do take this thing seriously cause I know that it is the one place that I can be recognised. Attention seeker is not me. But, yes it does feel good when people know you.

Frustration is another thing that slowed me down these few days. Frustration upon myself is the worse thing this week. The feeling of guilt is all over me these past two days. Guilt is a dangerous feeling for me cause somehow it affects people pretty seriously. Honestly, I FELT GUILTY that day. Thus, I became fragile at that moment. As soon as I lost the game, the feeling of guilt started to go all around me. Its like a monster coming towards me and said to my face that it is all my fault. Not just because of goals but because of other things. There are a-lot of things that go through my mind the moment I lost the game. Not just guilt from losing but other guilts. Some might say that I became really fragile at that time because I was worried for my reputation. Well, yes for a moment. Who don't? My reputation is out of the window as soon as people see 3 goals in one match. That is NOT a good record. Sorry coach, I let you down. My reputation before this was one goal for the whole tournament. That's how bad my performance for the last two days. 4 goals a day and that was not even until the semi-finals.

I do admit that I felt the burden all over me. But, that is normal. People put high hopes on you. People expect you can do your job well. People expect that you are the best. There are lots of expectations that I have to live up to and sadly, I did not managed to keep up to that. How frustrated do you think I will be at the time? No one can describe that. Some people might know the reason why I became so fragile that day, even I don't know the true reason. Fragile here is CRY! Yes, it is hard to see me cry but when I do, people will not know how to react.

What ever it is, I do hope that this will all go away. Its hard when me myself doesn't feel comfortable with my own self. So, please God! Help~

LOVE,

MARL~